I have a confession.
I’ve been trying to write about my struggle with my weight and food for a long time. When I say a long time, I mean at least 2 years. I mean almost since the beginning of this blog.
I’ve been trying to write a good summary of all my problems and how I overcame them or at least how I planned to overcome them, but the truth is that I don’t know if I ever will.
I’m not just overweight. By all accepted standards, I’m technically obese. I may always be. I don’t want to be, but I can’t promise a radical change at this point.
I’m someone who works from home, who plays computer games and Xbox games, who watches Netflix for hours on end, and whose favorite hobbies are “artistic.” Art isn’t usually very active, unless you’re talking about dance, and while I do enjoy dancing, I’m not a dancer. I’m sedentary. Even when I fight against it and get into a routine of regular active, I’m still a mostly sedentary person. And I eat. I eat when I’m bored and when I’m sad and when I’m stressed and when I’m not-sober.
And here’s the honest truth. Here’s where I am right now. Here’s my real confession. I absolutely hate my body.
I’m not saying that to get sympathy. Believe me, that’s not the goal. I’m not even saying it to beat myself up, nor to motivate myself to change. I just have been trying to write about this for so long, and I’ve been trying to convey a “good” message, and I’ve been trying to change the way I think and feel to fit the way I want to write about my struggle. I’ve been trying to write about it, but not just tell the truth about it. The truth is I positively HATE my body, hate the fact that I’m fat, hate how much I eat.
I mean, seriously, I cry about it. I cry at the most random times. Even if I’m eating healthy food, while hungry, I will sometimes cry over the guilt of the fact that I’m eating at all. I mean, I feel like I don’t even deserve to feed myself. And I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way, but it’s just horrible.
I want to be different. I want to lose weight. I want to have a healthy body and a healthy body image. I hope that some day soon I can write part two of this story and explain how I started to make positive strides. But every journey starts somewhere. Wherever I end up going from here, I just thought it was worth documenting my beginning.
Don’t worry. This isn’t going to become a weight-loss journal. I just needed to get this off my chest. And, now, I’m going to post it before I have a chance to back out.