I grew up hearing that I should love my neighbor as I love myself, and, later, that I couldn’t truly love someone else unless I loved myself. These ideas threw me off kilter for a long time. Especially as I grew into teenage-hood and my depression hit me harder, I could not understand this concept because, frankly, I didn’t feel like I loved myself. In fact, sometimes, or maybe most of the time, I hated myself! But I loved others… didn’t I?

Agape?

Agape is a Greek word used frequently in the New Testament for “love.” It is a sacrificial, unconditional love. It is the love with which the Father loves us and with which we are to love Him in return. It is also the type of love we are to have for each other. And, in my opinion, it is a very misunderstood concept.

In the New Testament, there are three main Greek words which are all translated to our word love. One is a passionate, sexual, romantic love (eros). Another is a brotherly love; it describes the kind of feeling we have in a friendship with someone we really like (phileo). The last is the deepest kind of love, but it is not based on feelings but rather on doing good towards someone (agape).

I’ll say it again: agape is based on actions rather than feelings. This is why I, as a simple English-speaker, misunderstood it. Love usually means a feeling, not an action. And despite growing up with “Luv is a Verb” by DC Talk, I did not really grasp the concept of applying this action-based love to myself and others.

Love Thyself, Love Thy Neighbor

Depression aside (because I know sometimes in that pit it is hard to even take care of oneself), I think it’s fair to say that most people have this “agape love” toward themselves. We do good to ourselves. We give ourselves good things – food, things, shelter. We take care of our bodies and minds. We do what we can to relieve pain and keep out of harm’s way. We generally treat ourselves pretty well! This is what I believe is meant by loving others as we love ourselves.

As Christians, we’re called to treat everyone with this kind of unconditional love. We are to take care of each other, look after each other, love on each other. Not necessarily because we feel affectionate! Even when I think that I hate myself or hate a part of myself, I still tend to treat myself well. And even if we don’t like everyone that we come in contact with, we’re to do the same – treat them well. They are made in God’s image and loved by Him, and we are to do good to them, not harm.

Spousal Love

I questioned myself before I got married. I wasn’t sure whether I would really be capable of loving my husband after being told for so long that I could not love someone else unless I loved myself first. And did I really love myself? Sometimes I sure didn’t feel very pleased with who I was or how I behaved or looked. I think it would be more accurate to say that you can’t act lovingly towards your spouse if you don’t know how to act lovingly toward yourself. If you abuse yourself, you’re likely to abuse your spouse. But understanding unconditional love, or agape, means understanding how to be kind and loving in spite of what you may or may not feel.

And, of course, it’s often easy in marriage to treat your spouse with agape, since there’s usually eros and phileo to motivate you.

I hope I’ve explained my thoughts well enough to be understood!

Random thoughts…

There are some things that you just are. Forever. For instance, I once told someone I was an MK (missionary kid), but he corrected me by saying, “once an MK, always an MK.” I may be grown up. My parents may not be missionaries any more, but I am still an MK. They say alcoholics are always alcoholics, and I’ve even heard “once a pothead, always a pothead.”

What about writing? And blogging? Once a blogger, am I always a blogger? (Even though I haven’t posted in over a month…?)

I’m just going to write, okay? I’m tired of trying to make things perfect! I’m just going to write.

Deployment

I know you’re all curious. Right? It’s been a year, and you’ve barely heard anything about deployment from me! It wasn’t my intention to let that happen. Actually, I intended to write about deployment a lot and really show you what it was like from my perspective. And now it’s over, and I haven’t done that at all.

Basically, deployment sucks, no matter how you slice it. The first month or two is supposedly the hardest, but for me it was at least 3 or 4 really hard months. After that, it got a little easier. The hard (low) times didn’t come as frequently, and I knew we were getting close to the half-way point. The 6-month mark was exciting and energizing, and we were, in some ways, lucky to have R&R in month 8 to look forward to. Our 2 week break was lovely and refreshing, but it was hard to say goodbye again and go back to online-only communication. For a little while, for me, it felt as hard again as it had been when he first left, but that faded, and the last 3 months or so passed fairly quickly.

Overall, I was surprised that I actually survived the deployment. I was surprised at how normal it began to feel to live alone, even though I still missed Hubby and wanted him home desperately. I was surprised that the whole year eventually passed, and it was over, and we had done it. I’m still surprised, I guess. But you can’t deny the facts!

I’ve been at a loss of how to write about all that as it was happening, and now the whole year has passed and I’ve lost my chance. But the good news is that deployment is over! Yes, hubby is home. He actually got home after 51 weeks, so my paper chain still has one link hanging up above the kitchen.

And yes, his redeployment (homecoming) was very exciting (and stressful…). I’m thrilled that he’s home! It has been great! There are adjustments and some struggles, and possibly some more of that to come, but nothing beats my joy at the simple fact that he’s home, now. And you, my few but loyal readers, deserve to know about it.

And I think that’s all I have to say for now. Things are beginning to calm down here, so I hope I will be able to get back into a routine of more regular posting. Until then… feel free to comment or send me messages or otherwise let me know that I’m still loved!

I am grateful for good, forgiving friends who are willing to be patient with me and all my flaws! Thank you, guys, for loving me in spite of mistakes and allowing me to be close to you! You know who you are!

I’m thankful for a God who cares about every feeling I have and doesn’t get mad at me for feeling what I feel. He is patiently teaching me that I can choose how those feelings do or do not affect my actions much more often than I thought I could. He is reminding me that even when I feel overwhelmed, he hasn’t left me, and even when I feel devastated, he has good things planned for me. So, I guess I’m also thankful that there’s a truth that is much more powerful than my human feelings.

My husband is someone I’m always thankful for. I’m so proud of him for surviving this deployment, and I’m so happy that it’s almost over and I will get to have him home with me before too long. I’m grateful that he has stuck with me, even when I’ve made it difficult. Not only that, but he’s always willing to look at himself and try to make changes to make himself better. At this rate, he should be literally flawless in another 5 years or so…

Finally, I’m thankful for my sweet kitty cat who, throughout the last few months, has become more sweet than ever. He rarely bites me any more, but he does cuddle me – lots. He’s great company. Did I really want to throw him in the dumpster a few months ago? lol

What are you thankful for this week?

Speaking of fur balls, my cat has gifted me with at least two of those in the last couple weeks. They are just great. Slimy and gross and surrounded by what I can only assume is a cat’s version of stomach acid. Doesn’t that sound nice? Thankfully, his retching has all taken place on the tile floor, not on any furniture or carpeting. And, you will be happy to know, I did not take any pictures to share with you all. Instead, you can just enjoy a cute video of Pumpkin the bunny rabbit!

Pumpkin has continued to amuse me with her antics. She has now discovered that she can jump up onto that bed in the guest room, and it is her new favorite thing to hop up there and bounce around. She just runs back and forth doing binkies sometimes, and it’s great fun to watch.

Tumbles, meanwhile, has grown more and more confident around the bunny. He is no longer running from her. He now chases her all around and chews on her playfully – though sometimes I warn him off when it seems to become too rough. He also explored the inside of Pumpkin’s cage once, and he frequently sticks his head inside for a drink of water when the cage door is open.

I wonder what they’re going to do next! I would like to see Pumpkin start to stick up to Tumbles a little bit more, maybe charge at Tumbles sometimes and make him realize he can’t just do whatever he wants. The more I have to intervene between them, the more Tumbles is going to want to play rough. The good news is, we now have an x pen for Pumpkin! I haven’t set it up yet, but once I do, it will give her a portable play space that Tumbles won’t be able to get into and she won’t be able to get out of, which will enable me to let her out of her cage sometimes without constantly being there to supervise playtime. Hooray!

I did not post last Wednesday as I felt I needed another week with my verses. Probably I needed the extra time because instead of choosing two verses I chose one verse and one longer passage. I’ve enjoyed committing these verses to memory, though.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
-Romans 8:1 (ESV)

This verse has been used generously in the book Thin Within, which I just finished going through. I’ll have to write a post about TW later. For now I’ll just comment on how wonderful it is that this verse has come “alive” to me. I knew that I was not condemned for my sins, Jesus paid the price, yadda yadda. But the verse had no personal meaning to me until TW brought it alive, and now I’ve memorized it along with its reference so I’ll always have it close to me! No condemnation. God is not angry with or disappointed in me. His grace, along with his forgiveness, flows unceasingly over me, even while I’m in the midst of doing wrong. He forgives and forgives, often the same offenses over and over and over. With an awareness of that kind of strength of love, it’s hard to continue in sin. It makes me want to change, to do better. It also takes away my need to beat myself up for mistakes. The price is paid, I’m already forgiven, and all God wants is for me to turn from my sins and press ever more into him instead.

“…He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’
So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’
Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
-Hebrews 13:5b-8 (ESV)

The truth about the Lord is that he is unchanging. He isn’t here one day and gone the next, willing to help you and then  leaving you high and dry at another time. He is forever faithful, and he always has been, and he always will be. So for me this means I can trust him and have utter confidence in him. I’ve learned a lot recently about relying on God and his strength to get me through tough times (moments, weeks, or years). How do I know whether I’m acting on my own strength or on his? Well, have I asked him to strengthen me? Has he promised he’s there, never to abandon me? Then I can know he’s there, empowering me. I can know I’m not going at it all alone, and I can be sure that if I falter, he will hold me up.

What can anyone else do to me in light of that? I used the only associate this verse with physical things – such as the persecution Christ-followers faced a lot in Biblical times. I didn’t see how that applied to me because, seriously, who is trying to beat me up or put me in jail? These past two weeks, however, I’ve been thinking about this in terms to other kinds of affects people can have on me. Emotionally? Sometimes people cause me such pain that I lose heart, I feel like I can’t go on, and I want to run and hide in my bed and not have to face the day ahead of me.

But what can man do to me? How can their painful interactions even compare to the goodness of my God? No matter how hurt I am, he is with me! He never forsakes me. He is there, willing to help me through each trial, and this includes my emotional pain as well as any physical calamity that may come. People can’t crush my joy (maybe my happiness, but not my joy) when I’m standing firm in my God and his promises.

Who has spoken the Word of God to me? My mom, Grampa, pastors, youth leaders, Sunday school teachers, some friends… Thos who have taught me from the Bible – when I look at their lives, I see people who have confidence in God. Strong faith. I see them taking things to God in prayer rather than fretting. I see joy. I see patience and other fruits of the Spirit of God. I see contentment. So, the outcome of their way of life, their faith? I want that! Yes, I’m definitely ready and willing to try imitating THEIR faith if I can get that kind of abundant life from it. Bring it on!

I am not posting the Milspouse Friday Fill-In today because… I think the questions are meh. I think that’s why I stopped filling them in months ago! But I do have some other thoughts for you, and these thoughts include cute candids of adorable animals!

This Monday, I got an unexpected offer from a friend! She and her husband had gotten talked into taking a rabbit home from the pet store over the weekend, only to get home and realize they were not bunny people. They didn’t know what they were getting themselves into, and Marty and I were only too happy to take the bunny off their hands! Introducing Pumpkin, the 4 month old bunny. I’ve been told she is a Standard Rex, and she will probably grow up to twice as big as she is now.

I have much to learn still about caring for a rabbit, but she is happy and growing more comfortable with me every day, so I guess we’re doing alright for now! Many people do not realize that rabbits can live up to 10 years and sometimes longer! They can also be litter-box trained. Many rabbit-owners give their bunnies free reign throughout their house (after bunny proofing, to make sure nothing important or dangerous gets chewed up). Even if that’s not the case, rabbits need exercise and need to spend a good amount of time outside of their cages. They are not low-maintenance pets, so they are definitely not for just anyone, but it has really been a joy having Pumpkin here so far, and Marty can hardly wait to come home and meet her!

If you’re wondering about how Tumbles handles sharing his home with a rabbit, have no fear! The hunting-instinct that made Tumbles such a threat to Birdy does not seem to be a problem with Pumpkin, mainly because Pumpkin is confident and willing to stand her ground against Tumbles rather than run away. In fact, Pumpkin often chases Tumbles, and they have a grand ole’ time! I’ve posted a couple videos of the two of them on YouTube.

Have you ever had a rabbit? What was your favorite or least favorite part of being a bunny-slave? What veggies did your bunnies most enjoy? Pumpkin seems uninterested in cucumber and only slightly interested in carrots, and I am slowly going to be introducing more and more options to her to find something she loves.

I am thankful today for… fruit! Fruit has got to be one of God’s best inventions. I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t find my favorite brown pears and tangelos at the grocery store today, so instead I got some yummy plums and delicious black cherries, bananas, and mangoes. Mmmmm.

Also, I’m grateful for a husband who loves me enough to buy me the perfect water bottle that I didn’t even know I needed! Purple, and with a built-in straw. And it doesn’t have a weird taste, either.

And my iPhone. I can’t forget that. I have grown to love it over the last couple weeks! I especially enjoy being able to turn on worship music while I’m still in bed when I’m having trouble getting up.

What are you thankful for this week?