Where I’ve Been

I haven’t posted anything in ages, and I’m sorry. If you know me, you know it’s been a tough few months! Car trouble, pregnancy, money, depression.

The goal for my next post was to finish up my series on why God allows trials. I have a ton of notes written for that post, but I wasn’t able to complete it before I was hit with one of my own trials (or my own series of trials). Hopefully, my experiences over the last three months will make it a better article than it would have been!

I’ll write it. Soon. But until then, I wanted to say that I’m still here, and I haven’t given up. I’m also still learning. I didn’t face my trials as well as I could have. I was disappointed in myself when my attitude became very negative and I told those closest to me that I was not okay and the situation was not okay and not going to be okay. I believed God was still with me and would see me through, but knowing it deep down wasn’t the same as letting it be reflected through my actions and attitudes. But I will write and finish that series.

By way of update, Hubby and I are expecting baby #1 sometime before October. Smile We have a new(ish) car with lots of back seat space. I am in business for myself as a Virtual Assistant over at www.Michelle.io (check it out!) (running a business is a lot of work!) and have plans to expand and grow. Speaking of expanding and growing, I’m almost ready to get into maternity clothes. And, though I was depressed for a while, I can see the sky again, at least for now, and I’m always grateful for such times as these. Oh, and I’ve learned to drink lots of water. I think that’s most of the new stuff.

Deep Dark Brightness

I’ve been struggling heavily with depression again lately. I can’t really get into the details, publically. Some of you know a bit of what’s going on.

What’s striking me about this is that it seems so cheerful right now. Warm, bright sunshine comes in the windows, the house is clutter-free and clean, I have a new hair color to *squee* about, I’m getting to spend time with my mother, I got a job on Elance.com, etc…

But all the brightness just annoys me. I feel sad, and I keep trying to close myself in my bedroom with the lights off and lie there, staring at the wall. Or sleep. I want to break things and quit things and scream at things.

Man, I hate depression.

I get little bouts of motivation. Then long, heavy bouts of just not caring. Then sometimes I get in-between bouts where I care enough to try and get someone to help me or pay attention to me, and when those aren’t successful I just cry for a good while.

My motivation gets less, though, as I walk through this valley, and my “not caring” is just taking over.

This is just where I am today. I looked at this blank screen and started typing, and this is what came out.

The Other Big D


Every time I come up against bloggers-block (ha :P) it’s because there is something on my heart that I feel I can’t share, for whatever reason. I usually start blogging again when I realize that the best way past it is to blog about it, and afterwards I’m able to move on to other topics. So I’m going to try that now.

I tell myself, privately, that my struggle with depression will one day be a great testimony for the Lord. How he brought me through. Once I finally reach the other side. And, in the meantime, I tell myself, it must be secret. I have to push through on God’s strength, keep quiet, and one day I’ll be able to look back on these times and explain to others how God brought me through.

And you’re reading that, going, “Michy, that’s dumb. That’s not how it should work.” And I’d agree with you.

Why do I feel the need to keep my struggles secret? It’s not for God’s glory. It doesn’t make God appear any stronger or do anything to prove his power. It neither helps me nor does it help my friends. It’s pride. If I’m honest, the only reason for my secrecy is that I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I’m weak, that I struggle, that I have a problem that my friends don’t have, and I hide it to protect myself, pride-fully trying to appear unflawed.

The other option is, of course, to open up and let my loved ones in – to help, to listen, or even just to pray. I would have to trust God enough to be vulnerable, to humbly admit that I’m not Super Michy. Just Michy. And that definitely goes against the grain.

Some Truths

IMG_2331So here’s the truth. I cry more than … anyone. I cry more than anyone should, more than anyone else does, as far as I can tell. I get depressed, and miserable, and it makes me feel utterly alone. Because I know that there is no way anyone else can understand. I know that really, only God can truly be there with me – understand me – and I feel alone. I feel helpless to explain, and I usually don’t even bother.

In fact, I usually scoff at people who ask “What’s wrong?” I decide that they don’t have, or care to have, the next twelve hours free for me to really make myself understood. And it seems so meaningless to just say I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m going through some stuff. I’m having a hard time. Those phrases don’t even BEGIN to cover it, and even if they did, someone would then ask me, “Why?” A million reasons! I can list a handful off the top of my head, but to you they will seem like nothing, and the truth is, they are nothing. Except that they are piled on top of a lifetime of other STUFF and they are viewed through my messed-up, depressed mind.

And the truth is I hate that I’m depressed. I see myself as weak and lazy when my depression interferes with my life, and I tend to feel like I need to protect myself from being seen that way by others. So act strong. Get mad, not sad. Crying is weakness. Smile. Pretend. Be there for others, but never make them be there for you. Because chances are they’ll fail, or even if they don’t, they won’t be ENOUGH.

Best not to try. And best not to be a burden, because if you are a burden you’re likely not to have ANY friends.

This is why I feel unknown: I don’t let anyone know me. I might as well tell God that He made me wrong. He shouldn’t have given me this flaw. It’s ugly; it’s meant to be hidden.

And as I try to hide, I lose something. I grow hard and harsh and lose my inner beauty and gentleness and… I can’t be genuine with people. And without that genuineness and openness, my relationships become shallow. I wonder if my impact on people, on the world… how different would it be if I were open? Vulnerable? Would people see God more clearly? Would they feel love more fully? Would my words and actions be more meaningful?

The truth is, I live with the chronic pain of depression. I struggle THROUGH it, constantly. And God helps me. He’s with me every moment, he gets me through each day. He’s the reason I don’t become self-destructive, the reason I can still love others, the reason I can still find joy (sometimes). I think my friends deserve to know that NOW. Because who knows if there ever will be an “other side” that I’ll reach, where it won’t hurt so much? If I keep waiting for that, I may never get to share my testimony.

Just some thoughts…