It’s frustrating to me to try and be friends with someone who won’t speak his mind. And no, this isn’t a post asking for comments! I’m talking about speaking your mind, just in every day life. Do you hold back rather than tell a friend he has something in his teeth? Do you agree to go along with some activity you really don’t want to do? Do you smile and nod and say everything is fine when it’s not?

Stop fearing rejection and speak your mind!

People won’t always care what I have to say, but I still make an effort to speak my mind. Personally, I’ve gone through periods in my life where I’ve blamed my circumstances or the people around me for your social life – or lack thereof. I’ve been there, and the memory of it is still fresh. I think I’m finally coming to terms with my responsibility – my part – when it comes to my social life.

You know, I know, we all know that you can’t make people like you. You can do some things that encourage people to like you, or at least you can encourage them to like the part of yourself that you’re choosing to show, but you can’t force anyone to like you. That will sometimes happen, sometimes not. However! That doesn’t mean that it is everyone else’s job to become your friend. If you or I want healthy friendships, marriages, or any kind of relationships at all, we have to realize that our actions, thoughts, and words have a direct impact on the quality of our social lives.

Speaking Your Mind the Right Way

Speaking your mind in the positive sense that I’m talking about leads to several things:

1. I will have been true to myself, and any relationships I have will have been formed on the truth. I will not have deceived anyone into thinking I’m something other than what I really am.
2. I will feel better having let my real opinion be known. I won’t feel as if I’ve had to bottle up my feelings until it’s time to burst.
3. I will have learned to give my friends and loved ones the benefit of the doubt. I trust them to care about me enough to accept my opinions, and I also trust the strength of our relationship enough to believe that if they neglect to ask me, it’s not for lack of caring.

I think the third point is my favorite and is also a major stumbling block for people who have trouble speaking their minds. As you noticed, it’s two-fold. I’m still working on the second half of it, because it means that if no one asks about my day, I can take a step of faith and tell them without fearing that the reason they didn’t ask is because they don’t care to know. It also means I can approach my loved ones with problems they may not have perceived, believing that they probably would have asked if they had known I was upset and that I needed them. Similarly, I can strengthen relationships by reaching out to my friends in ways that they neglect to reach out to me, all because of that same trust that I choose to place in them. If I give them the benefit of the doubt, I can care for and love them a little more freely.

Yor Doin It Wrong

I just want to clarify that when I advocate speaking your mind, I don’t mean that it’s correct for every circumstance. There are wrong times and wrong ways of doing it, so be careful. Doing it wrong has pretty much the opposite effect – it will hurt your relationships. The balance that must be found should not scare you away from speaking your mind altogether, though. Many things must be balanced upon a knife edge, or are separated by only a fine line. The difference between speaking your mind the right and wrong way, however, is much bigger. Think “balanced on a dull sword blade.” Something like that.

1. Don’t take advantage of trust by criticizing. Likely, your relations care about you enough to want to hear what you have to say, but that doesn’t mean they feel you have a right to critique everything they do or criticize them on a regular basis. Of course, you wouldn’t do that, but it would be speaking your mind. Just in the wrong way.
2. Don’t force others to do it your way all the time. Yes, I advise that you speak up if there is an activity being planned that you don’t want to be part of. But it’s still a good idea to kindly go along with others’ ideas sometimes, even if it wouldn’t have been your choice. (Wendy’s is not my favorite restaurant, but when a group of friends is going, there’s no need to make a big deal out of it.)
3. Don’t just blurt out anything at any time. Use tact! Speak in a way that shows you’re just expressing your opinion, not trying to shoot down someone else’s ideas.

Responsibility For Your Social Life

As you take responsibility for and control of your social life, see if these tips help you at all. Or maybe these are things that you already do, or you have suggestions for additions to the list. If so, how about leaving a comment and sharing?

Part one was about understanding what it means to become a Christian. But that was only part one because there is more to living as a Christian than just making the decision. As I said before Christian is Christ-like; therefore, belief is important as a first step, but belief was not meant to be the end. Christianity is less about what you believe than how – you – live! It’s how you walk, why you walk, where you’re walking to, and who you’re walking with – that’s what Christianity is about.

Why

The reason we walk is our belief. We believe in Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth. We believe in Jesus Christ, who was given to die as a ransom for us, to cover our wretchedness with his blood and make a way for us to approach God. We believe in God’s Holy Spirit, who lives in us and reminds us of His words. We believe that our sins are forgiven us, and that we will live eternally with our God even after this life ends. We believe that the world needs Jesus in order to both experience this life and the next life fully because the majority of the world currently exists dead in their trespasses (Colossians 2:13), because of the original sin (Genesis 3), and because the devil seeks to destroy us constantly (1 Peter 5:8).

Where

Where we’re walking is on the narrow path, through the small gate (Matthew 7), towards eternal life in God’s presence. We go towards that place where there will be no more pain or weeping, where perfection is restored to God’s creation. (Revelation 21)

How

The way we walk is in love. Love for our family, our friends, our enemies, our authority, our subordinates. Sound odd? Love them? The greatest two commandments God gave us, according to Jesus, are to love the Lord our God and to love our neighbor. (Matthew 22) If we don’t walk in love, all our good deeds are in vain. (1 Corinthians 13) And if we don’t walk in love, we are not Christians because 1) we’re not living like Christ, who IS love (also see John 3:16) , and 2) Christ says that we are known by our fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit. (Luke 6) But the trick is that only through Him is such love possible. Really, it’s God loving through us, and we are willing to let Him.

Who

Our companion is also our savior. We walk with a God who is bigger than all problems we face, Jesus who faced worse than we ever will, and the Holy Spirit who comforts us and counsels us as we walk. This relationship between me and the God-head is my reason for keeping on going, it’s how I get through, it’s what I’m aiming for, and it’s the whole point. It’s everything wrapped up in one, this relationship, this love.

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I’m not saying there is nothing else worth mentioning about life as a Christian, but I wanted to point out these things, at the very least. I’d be happy to hear your thoughts and questions!

I want to encourage those of you in relationships, or those who aren’t yet but hope to be, not to stop arguing. That’s right, I think arguing is a good thing, and I’m not the only one! (See this or that) Arguing is a sign “that you and your partner feel secure enough to express yourselves without fearing judgments.” A complete lack of arguments usually indicates a shallow relationship.

Don’t Pick Fights; Fight Fair

I don’t think you should pick fights, and I’m not saying you should argue more in order to have a deeper relationship. I’m saying that arguments happen, and it’s not a bad thing. In and of itself, an argument just means that two deep-thinking people have differing opinions, or sometimes that there has been a miscommunication or misunderstanding. The problems stem from how we handle the arguments when they occur. We should still continue to give our partner the benefit of the doubt. That is, don’t assume they’re trying to start something or insult you; rather, assume that he, too, is trying to be understanding of you and simply express his mind.

My husband and I have been working on the art of arguing throughout our relationship, which started as “just friends” in middle school. We both still remember that day at the lunch table, back when I was a more-physically-aggressive version of myself, when I clawed his arm until he bled during a Just Quit It! type of argument. There have been hurtful incidents on his part an d my part: He used to get frustrated and try to hurt me, and I sometimes tend to assume the worst in him. We haven’t always fought fair, but with nine years of practice, and we’re starting to get the point.

The Point is Love

The biggest thing I remember when we do get into arguments is that we love each other. Through nine years of arguing and making up, we have always loved each other, and we know that in the end, we just want to be heard and understood. That’s why we can forgive and move on with a strengthened relationship. Not only strengthened by withstanding the gale, but also deepened though mutual understanding. He knows a little more of my mind, and vice versa.

One of Hubby’s and my favorite quotes is from Matt Chandler, from his sermon “Sex Pt. 2.”

“There’s always this point in time when we say this is the person I want to fight with for the rest of my life, this the person I want to do life with.”

Dos and Don’ts

Whether or not all’s fair in love and war, there are some basic guidelines that make fair fighting a little easier. And, well, successful. I am taking these from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Parrott and Parrott, as it was the first book I read that had them laid out so clearly.

1. Don’t Criticize – Criticizing involves attacking someone’s personality rather than his behavior, and it entails blaming and accusing. These are usually “you” statements. You do this, you don’t do that, you could have, you should have…

2. Don’t be Contemptuous – Contempt is the intention to insult or physically abuse your partner. This can show up through name-calling and mockery, especially.

3. Don’t Stonewall – This is usually, but not always, done by men. Stonewalling is a way of withdrawing from the situation, sometimes in an attempt to avoid escalating the situation further. But it also makes the person appear as if he is not listening or no longer cares about the situation, or worse, his partner.

4. Do Choose Carefully – There are a lot of issues that can, and should, be overlooked. Not everything is worth a fight. Ask yourself if it’s worth it!

5. Do Define the Issue – It’s easy to see when it’s someone else, but often when we fight, one person may think the fight is about one issue while the other person sees the issue as something completely different. Ask yourselves and each other what the real source of the disagreement is.

6. Do State Feelings – Two parts to this. One, use “I” statements rather than the “You” statements mentioned above. Two, use the “X, Y, Z” formula. To take an example from the book, “’When we are riding in the car (X), and you change the radio station (Y), I feel hurt that my desires are not considered (Z).’ That is far more constructive to your partner than saying, ‘You never consider my feelings when it comes to music.’ Although the latter may be what first comes to your mind, it’s likely to draw a defensive response that gets you nowhere.”

Intimacy

It’s natural to find conflict in deep, intimate relationships. Dealing with it correctly makes us more intimate, not less. I hope that you can take away from this an understanding of how to begin fighting more fairly. Is there another do or don’t you think should be added to the list?