I grew up hearing that I should love my neighbor as I love myself, and, later, that I couldn’t truly love someone else unless I loved myself. These ideas threw me off kilter for a long time. Especially as I grew into teenage-hood and my depression hit me harder, I could not understand this concept because, frankly, I didn’t feel like I loved myself. In fact, sometimes, or maybe most of the time, I hated myself! But I loved others… didn’t I?

Agape?

Agape is a Greek word used frequently in the New Testament for “love.” It is a sacrificial, unconditional love. It is the love with which the Father loves us and with which we are to love Him in return. It is also the type of love we are to have for each other. And, in my opinion, it is a very misunderstood concept.

In the New Testament, there are three main Greek words which are all translated to our word love. One is a passionate, sexual, romantic love (eros). Another is a brotherly love; it describes the kind of feeling we have in a friendship with someone we really like (phileo). The last is the deepest kind of love, but it is not based on feelings but rather on doing good towards someone (agape).

I’ll say it again: agape is based on actions rather than feelings. This is why I, as a simple English-speaker, misunderstood it. Love usually means a feeling, not an action. And despite growing up with “Luv is a Verb” by DC Talk, I did not really grasp the concept of applying this action-based love to myself and others.

Love Thyself, Love Thy Neighbor

Depression aside (because I know sometimes in that pit it is hard to even take care of oneself), I think it’s fair to say that most people have this “agape love” toward themselves. We do good to ourselves. We give ourselves good things – food, things, shelter. We take care of our bodies and minds. We do what we can to relieve pain and keep out of harm’s way. We generally treat ourselves pretty well! This is what I believe is meant by loving others as we love ourselves.

As Christians, we’re called to treat everyone with this kind of unconditional love. We are to take care of each other, look after each other, love on each other. Not necessarily because we feel affectionate! Even when I think that I hate myself or hate a part of myself, I still tend to treat myself well. And even if we don’t like everyone that we come in contact with, we’re to do the same – treat them well. They are made in God’s image and loved by Him, and we are to do good to them, not harm.

Spousal Love

I questioned myself before I got married. I wasn’t sure whether I would really be capable of loving my husband after being told for so long that I could not love someone else unless I loved myself first. And did I really love myself? Sometimes I sure didn’t feel very pleased with who I was or how I behaved or looked. I think it would be more accurate to say that you can’t act lovingly towards your spouse if you don’t know how to act lovingly toward yourself. If you abuse yourself, you’re likely to abuse your spouse. But understanding unconditional love, or agape, means understanding how to be kind and loving in spite of what you may or may not feel.

And, of course, it’s often easy in marriage to treat your spouse with agape, since there’s usually eros and phileo to motivate you.

I hope I’ve explained my thoughts well enough to be understood!

Depression

Every time I come up against bloggers-block (ha ) it’s because there is something on my heart that I feel I can’t share, for whatever reason. I usually start blogging again when I realize that the best way past it is to blog about it, and afterwards I’m able to move on to other topics. So I’m going to try that now.

I tell myself, privately, that my struggle with depression will one day be a great testimony for the Lord. How he brought me through. Once I finally reach the other side. And, in the meantime, I tell myself, it must be secret. I have to push through on God’s strength, keep quiet, and one day I’ll be able to look back on these times and explain to others how God brought me through.

And you’re reading that, going, “Michy, that’s dumb. That’s not how it should work.” And I’d agree with you.

Why do I feel the need to keep my struggles secret? It’s not for God’s glory. It doesn’t make God appear any stronger or do anything to prove his power. It neither helps me nor does it help my friends. It’s pride. If I’m honest, the only reason for my secrecy is that I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I’m weak, that I struggle, that I have a problem that my friends don’t have, and I hide it to protect myself, pride-fully trying to appear unflawed.

The other option is, of course, to open up and let my loved ones in – to help, to listen, or even just to pray. I would have to trust God enough to be vulnerable, to humbly admit that I’m not Super Michy. Just Michy. And that definitely goes against the grain.

Some Truths

So here’s the truth. I cry more than … anyone. I cry more than anyone should, more than anyone else does, as far as I can tell. I get depressed, and miserable, and it makes me feel utterly alone. Because I know that there is no way anyone else can understand. I know that really, only God can truly be there with me – understand me – and I feel alone. I feel helpless to explain, and I usually don’t even bother.

In fact, I usually scoff at people who ask “What’s wrong?” I decide that they don’t have, or care to have, the next twelve hours free for me to really make myself understood. And it seems so meaningless to just say I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m going through some stuff. I’m having a hard time. Those phrases don’t even BEGIN to cover it, and even if they did, someone would then ask me, “Why?” A million reasons! I can list a handful off the top of my head, but to you they will seem like nothing, and the truth is, they are nothing. Except that they are piled on top of a lifetime of other STUFF and they are viewed through my messed-up, depressed mind.

And the truth is I hate that I’m depressed. I see myself as weak and lazy when my depression interferes with my life, and I tend to feel like I need to protect myself from being seen that way by others. So act strong. Get mad, not sad. Crying is weakness. Smile. Pretend. Be there for others, but never make them be there for you. Because chances are they’ll fail, or even if they don’t, they won’t be ENOUGH.

Best not to try. And best not to be a burden, because if you are a burden you’re likely not to have ANY friends.

This is why I feel unknown: I don’t let anyone know me. I might as well tell God that He made me wrong. He shouldn’t have given me this flaw. It’s ugly; it’s meant to be hidden.

And as I try to hide, I lose something. I grow hard and harsh and lose my inner beauty and gentleness and… I can’t be genuine with people. And without that genuineness and openness, my relationships become shallow. I wonder if my impact on people, on the world… how different would it be if I were open? Vulnerable? Would people see God more clearly? Would they feel love more fully? Would my words and actions be more meaningful?

The truth is, I live with the chronic pain of depression. I struggle THROUGH it, constantly. And God helps me. He’s with me every moment, he gets me through each day. He’s the reason I don’t become self-destructive, the reason I can still love others, the reason I can still find joy (sometimes). I think my friends deserve to know that NOW. Because who knows if there ever will be an “other side” that I’ll reach, where it won’t hurt so much? If I keep waiting for that, I may never get to share my testimony.

Just some thoughts…

Previous Fridays

I love my husband because…

1. You got me “just because” flowers, and they’re beautiful.

2. You give up sleep for me.

3. You have such a creative imagination.

4. You’re too smart for your own good.

5. Because you love me.

Previous Fridays

1. You never complain when I put my cold feet on you to warm myself up. lol

2. Your heartbeat is so loud when my head is on your chest!

3. You think soda is a vital part of your diet…

4. Your anniversary gift was SO lovely and special

5. You have the cutest mole

I feel like I need to take a deep breath and pray a bit before I write this…

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
-Colossians 3:12-13 (NIV)

Can I just start by saying that I feel like I’ve had an abundance of experience with stupid people lately? And I don’t handle it well. I’m usually impatient, unkind, condescending, and sometimes downright rude. It’s hard not to be!

I mean, when it takes a doctor’s secretary a month to get your appointment set, and when you have to give her your phone number again each of the dozen times you call her, and wait as she seems to spend five seconds writing down each digit… It’s hard not to get just a little impatient.

Dearly Loved

I lay in bed at night and thank God for his perfect, unconditional love, acknowledging that even my husband and I cannot love each other in the same way He loves both of us. The next morning, I get up, and I raise my voice at the customer service agent at Tricare. (Don’t get me started on Tricare!)

Human nature says, “I’m number one!” Self is the most important. And other peoples’ worth is judged by many factors: intelligence, humor, whether they’ve done you harm.

But human nature is sinful, and God doesn’t appreciate the judgments we pass on his creation.

Instead, He says that we should be motivated by his love and his sacrifice to pour that love on others.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”
-1 John 4:10-11 (NIV)

• Compassion, a deep sympathy for another’s suffering.
• Kindness, being warm-hearted and considerate.
• Humility, accepting ourselves as we really are before God.
• Gentleness, being amiable and tender.
• Patience, waiting or enduring good-naturedly and without complaint
• Forgiveness, to excuse or pardon, to renounce anger and resentment.

These are all just aspects of one love, a love that we are to give to others. It’s not something that is dependant on whether they love us first. It’s something that is dependant on the fact that God already loved us first. Now we love others.

What if they don’t deserve it?

Sorry to tell you, but they don’t deserve it. But God says their worth isn’t judged by the factors we like to use. They’re worth something because they are God’s creation, too, and he loves them.

Tricare will probably thank me for taking this lesson to heart.

Life by the Spirit

“I sure can’t just make myself more loving!”

We aren’t really capable of unconditional love, but God is. And as Christians, we have his Holy Spirit within us. The only way we can really accomplish God’s will is by allowing the Spirit to work in and through us. It’s a process of being aware, being in constant prayer, and being open to the Spirit’s leading. We won’t get it right all the time, but the more we work at it, trusting Him to work in us, the more we’ll start seeing the fruits of the Spirit. And, hey, those look pretty similar to the loving qualities we’re supposed to show others…

“…Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. …The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”
-Galatians 5:16-17, 22-26 (NIV)

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Previous Fridays

Five reasons I love my hubby this Friday!

1. You argued and almost convinced me that you might miss me more than I miss you.

2. You tried to make a ribbon for me from your old ACUs.

3. You were so cute, hugging Amanda. I cried for her when you gave her your name velcro from the bus. That was too sweet for words.

4. The booing and cheering on the bus as you got the window stuck and then un-stuck was cute.

5. Fifth and foremost, I loved that first surprise call from Maine. It made me so happy.

Previous Fridays

1. I love when you hold doors open for my Gramma.

2. I love that you found Dragon Age: Origins just for me!

3. I love your brilliance, even though it means you usually win.

4. I love you making me breakfast, especially when it involves French toast, eggs, and/or bacon.

5. I love watching you with kids.