What do you see when you look at the world? Do you dwell on the most hopeful aspects of life and expect mostly positive outcomes? Do you wake up thinking, “This is going to be a good day!” like many of my friends? Or… do you wake up thinking, “I don’t know about this day. There’s a lot that could go wrong.” Maybe, like me, you tend to have a more gloomy outlook.

In other words, are you an optimist or a pessimist? If you’re one of the latter, don’t be too concerned, because honestly I think I’m the most negative person I know.

Rose-Colored Glasses

When I think of rose-colored glasses, I think of an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch I watched when I was probably in Jr. High. In order to blind someone to the nasty truth, Sabrina cast a spell and put these glasses with pink lenses on someone else who then saw everything in a positive light. That’s a cute way to look at it, but of course it’s not very realistic, seeing as how that kind of magic doesn’t exist.

I don’t know anyone with rose-colored glasses, but I know some people with rose-colored eyes. Or maybe it’s their brains? I’m not sure. The difference is that the optimists I know don’t put on glasses in the morning and choose to only see the positive. They just DO. That’s just how they (and maybe you) think, without trying. And most of us face the same reality, see the same things – but we perceive it in different ways.

Glass Half Empty

A negative person deals with a constant struggle, both within and without. Believe me, I know from experience. This person must carefully balance how much to tell others: tell too much, too often, and not only do the others tire of hearing it, but the person may also feel guilty for pulling others down to his level; tell too little, and the person realizes he’s being dishonest, maybe even shallow, and may feel as if his friends really only like him for the front he puts up.

Those who are positive also face a dilemma. Do you remain friends with someone once you discover a negative or pessimistic attitude? How much time are you willing to spend with this friend, and how much can you listen to before it starts to drag you down?

Dealing With Each Other

How does one deal with negative friends? It requires patience, love, and sometimes gently reminding your friends that they are only looking at the negative side of things. Simpler than you might think, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy.

As far as handling negativity in yourself, I have a few suggestions that I think apply whether you’re negative sometimes, most of the time, or all of the time.

1. Accept your feelings but not your thoughts. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I don’t think it’s healthy to tell yourself not to feel a certain way. It’s okay to feel like there’s no hope. However, it’s not okay to sit there and tell yourself over and over that it’s true. Try to reform your thinking habits. Tell yourself you can’t predict the future, and it could very well turn out better than you thought. If necessary, distract yourself with something else. When trying to break a habit, rather than telling yourself not to do such-and-such, which causes you to constantly think about it, change your focus to something else. Then you’re more likely to forget about whatever it was.

2. Thank others for listening. If you have friends who love you and are kind enough to listen to you rant sometimes, be sure to thank them for listening. It can hurt to open yourself up to someone else’s complaints and receive nothing for your efforts except to be expected to do it again and again. Sometimes we just need people to listen, and if our friends are meeting that need, they deserve gratitude, if not more.

3. Try to see the lighter side. After venting, if your friend tries to tell you how they see it, don’t shut your friend out just because his outlook is different. Try to see it from his eyes. Even if you don’t agree.

4. Recognize and seek out truth. Your thoughts aren’t necessarily reflective of the truth. They are truly your thoughts, but you aren’t omnipotent; no one is. Rather than dwelling on your feelings and thoughts, dwell on what you know to be truth. The best source is, of course, the Bible.

So, Thanks

I want to publically thank all of my friends for dealing with me and listening to me rant as often as they do. I do appreciate it, and I’m grateful to you all. I’ve struggled with negativity, some times more than others, for most of my life, but I’ve also been on the other side of the fence. And I know that it can be hard. Thank you! I love you guys!

Now, quick, what are you thoughts? Which group do you fall into? Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with someone who sees things in a more negative – or more positive – light than you do?

It’s Sunday night, and I’m writing now because I know I’ve gotten into a bad habit of putting off my blog-writing until the last minute, and then sometimes putting it off even longer. I have several different topics written down, but none of them struck me as right. I could write about them, I guess, but it would just be writing. I would just be filling space. They are topics I care about normally, but right now I’m having a hard time caring about much of anything.

Lately, my blogs have been a bit more personal, so I might as well continue in that vein. See, the truth is, I have, and I guess I continually do, struggle with depression. I have ups and downs. Sometimes the downs seem to be random, while at other times they’re triggered by something or someone. Of course, my most recent down was triggered by JRTC.

“Overcoming depression,” is, I think, a fitting title. Depression is one of those ongoing things that never seems to just go away. It took me… not long at all to figure that out, but it took me years to really accept it. At first it was horrifying. I’m going to probably deal with this for the rest of my life? I can’t handle that! … But I can.

The Early Years

I don’t know when it started. You know? Lots of us can’t really remember a time when it was different, though we have a feeling somewhere in the backs of our minds that it was, at one time. I do know when it got bad, and then when it got worse. I definitely remember crying – all – the – time. I couldn’t handle the things I thought I should be able to handle. I remember feeling so sick of “having to pretend everything is ok.” Dropping out of school, quitting multiple jobs, dropping out of college… Depression is miserable, right? I mean, to me, the words are almost synonymous.

I used to wonder why no one cared. Couldn’t they tell? Couldn’t they read between the lines? Nevermind that I was trying to hide it.

The worst part was that I “knew” I had no right to feel that way. I told myself…probably every day…how good I had it. Followed closely by an increase in the flood of tears and a feeling of hopeless misery as I told myself how bad I had it. Followed by berating myself for feeling that way. Endless cycles of what felt like endless sadness. I dealt with it like many do. I avoided people, isolated myself, built bad habits, self-medicated, ran away, et cetera…

How I Healed

Those valleys at first were so deep I thought I’d never get out. And once I did, it seemed like another one was there to meet me right away. Now, they’re less frequent. They’re not so deep. But how I healed then is the same way I get through the valleys now. Now, I’m just more practiced at it, I guess.

• Prayers of Family and Friends – I have to mention this first. People loved me, throughout all my dark years, enough to pray for me no matter how I hurt them or worried them. My parents, siblings, grandparents… My friends from highschool, friends online… I don’t know how many prayed for me or how frequently they prayed, but I do know God heard them. I use this as a reminder to myself to pray consistently for those I care and worry about. I know it makes a difference.
• Walking with God – My healing came from God, not from within myself. But it wasn’t instantaneous like I wanted it to be. I had walked away and abandoned him because I couldn’t believe he was really there. I spent two years crying out in my misery, asking God not to change my situation but to help me cope. Finally, I said he wasn’t doing it. Why would he not do it if he was there? Why would he let me suffer so, when I’m trying to do right, and when I’m asking for help? By the time I got to the deepest part of the valley, my faith was, well, nowhere in sight. I had forsaken almost everything I had previously valued.
  Eventually, I came to realize I did believe in God. I couldn’t deny his existence anymore. But it was still a long time before my life began to reflect that admission of belief. And after that, it was still a long time before I began to learn to trust. And even then, nothing magically got better. I wanted it to. I wanted it to be as simple as saying I believe – please help me! But it doesn’t work like that.
  I had to learn to walk with God, and I have to keep walking with him, and he helps me through. I go through things I’m sure I can’t handle, and he listens to me complain, and he loves me. And sometimes I don’t even realize until long after the fact that he’s really been carrying me and my load, just like in that poem Footprints in the Sand.
• Permission to Feel – I’m an Army wife now, so my first thought is of my husband and how he has to ask permission to do almost anything. I don’t know when, but at some point, I convinced myself that I did not have permission to feel. Permission denied.
  I did not have a right to my feelings. I never asked anyone; I just decided. The second biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone struggling with depression is to allow yourself to feel. There’s no should to human feelings. Maybe there’s a “norm,” maybe. Maybe. But no should. You just feel what you feel. The problem is that some of us spend all our time feeling guilty for feeling bad, and then feeling bad for feeling guilty, and then feeling guilty all over again. Like I said, in me it produced an endless cycle until I decided that I was going to allow myself to feel sad. Even if my reasons were flimsy – even if there were no reasons at all. When sadness hits me, I feel sad. When anger, depression, or hopelessness hit me, I feel it rather than denying it. I find that it helps tremendously.
• Venting and Support – Both are important, but sometimes we can’t have both. Still, the last step for me and the last piece of advice I can give is this: Find an outlet and find support. Journaling can be an outlet, chatting with friends can be, and so can art or a number of other hobbies and crafts. Even crying while eating a bowl of ice cream can be an outlet. Prayer is another great outlet! You’ve got to have some way, though, to express your feelings. It’s good for you.
  Me, I choose a combination of all of the above. And as for support, I have quite a few supportive loved ones, but my main source of support is my husband. I am so blessed to have him.

I Want to Help

I don’t know if I’ll ever really have an outside-the-home career. As you know, I’m a stay-home wife, and I hope one day in the next few years to become a stay-home mom. But even if I don’t have a career, there’s something I want to do. I want to help. Depression is one of those nasty things that I hate for anyone to have to experience. But we do. We go through it, and if you’re like me you may struggle with it for most of your life! I saw several different counselors and psychologists in my low times, but only one made a difference to me. I want to be that person for someone else.

I want to help… so badly! The hard part is that what works for me may or may not help anyone else. It’s hard to know how to approach people because everyone is different! Just like not everyone struggling with weight issues conquers them in the same way, not everyone struggling with depression conquers it in the same way. But I do so want to help.

And I guess that’s all I have to say about that. For now.

I’ve been brought to a stand-still too many times by the phrase “I should.” It creeps into my thoughts from some kind of deep, dark corner of the blackest abyss of my mind. It hits me hardest in certain areas, making me think that trying my best isn’t enough because there are standards I should live up to. And if I don’t, I’m a failure.

I Should Keep House

This is one of the biggest shoulds that’s been hitting me lately, and maybe some of you can relate with me on this. Especially for me as a newlywed, the shoulds in homemaking can be paralyzing. I feel sometimes as if I should always have a perfect home. I should always have the dishes and laundry clean. And if there is a pile of laundry to do, or a stack of dirty dishes in the sink, I start feeling like a failure. I should always have clean floors, the shoes should always be kept in their assigned place, and everything should at least have the appearance of organization. The problem is that sometimes (or a lot of the time), I can’t keep up with all the cleaning I think I should do.

My husband, loving and supportive as he is, never blames me for this, and always praises me for how well I keep up. He encourages me to do what I can. For those who don’t hear that support on a regular basis, let me say to you that you don’t have to be perfect and neither do I! Our houses don’t always have to be perfect. In fact, sometimes your house will feel a lot more homey if it looks a little lived in. I try my best to keep up with the basics of washing and picking up, and every week I try to throw in some deeper cleaning that I don’t get to do all the time (scrub the areas that sometimes only get wiped down, for instance). And really, that’s enough.

I Should Be Happy

If I tell myself that I’m not entitled to my feelings, I will only end up feeling worse. It’s true! I know, because I’ve been stuck in that rut before – have gotten stuck for way too long at a time, if you ask me. Have you been there? Especially for those of us that have struggled with depression, the idea of something or someone dictating how we should feel can really make life tough.

I’ve had to come to terms with something: It’s okay to feel down.

After I accepted that, I had to accept something else: It’s okay to feel down for “no reason.”

I finally told myself that I don’t have to have anything resembling a legitimate reason for feeling down or depressed, upset or lonely, or anything negative. Why should I have a reason? I don’t have to have a reason to be happy, do I? This is the biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone struggling with depression. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, not just the positive ones! I find that if I let myself feel sad, I get over my sadness a lot more quickly than I would otherwise. If I let myself feel sad, I don’t get stuck in a loop of I feel bad BECAUSE I feel bad BECAUSE I feel bad about feeling bad because I feel bad. What?!

I Should Look Like…

Fill in the blank. There are countless ends to that sentence because we all have a slightly different idea of what we should look like. For me, it’s usually something like “thinner,” but no matter what it is, it’s usually wrong. Your loved ones accept what you look like; why can’t you? Everyone is unique, right? I remind myself that there’s no reason I “should” look like anything other than myself. And my mother pointed out to me that you can tell when someone is comfortable in her own skin. On the flip side, you can also tell when someone is self-conscious and too worried about her own looks to enjoy herself. Since weight is an issue for me, I have to remind myself that when I am conscious of and worried about my weight – that’s when other people will notice it.

Trying is Enough

“I should keep trying.” This is the only should that I consistently allow myself to think. I don’t even say that “I should keep trying my best” because sometimes I don’t feel like I can quite do that. But I should at least keep trying. I try to better myself. I try not to settle. I try to push for a little bit more, and, when I can’t, I try to accomplish what I’ve done before. By doing that, I’m succeeding.

Do you agree or disagree? Am I right to abolish “I should” in my life, or do you think we’d all be better off with some more shoulds? Let me know in the comments. You SHOULD leave a comment. Especially since I’ve written the would should so much now that it’s looking like it’s spelled wrong. The end.

I want to encourage those of you in relationships, or those who aren’t yet but hope to be, not to stop arguing. That’s right, I think arguing is a good thing, and I’m not the only one! (See this or that) Arguing is a sign “that you and your partner feel secure enough to express yourselves without fearing judgments.” A complete lack of arguments usually indicates a shallow relationship.

Don’t Pick Fights; Fight Fair

I don’t think you should pick fights, and I’m not saying you should argue more in order to have a deeper relationship. I’m saying that arguments happen, and it’s not a bad thing. In and of itself, an argument just means that two deep-thinking people have differing opinions, or sometimes that there has been a miscommunication or misunderstanding. The problems stem from how we handle the arguments when they occur. We should still continue to give our partner the benefit of the doubt. That is, don’t assume they’re trying to start something or insult you; rather, assume that he, too, is trying to be understanding of you and simply express his mind.

My husband and I have been working on the art of arguing throughout our relationship, which started as “just friends” in middle school. We both still remember that day at the lunch table, back when I was a more-physically-aggressive version of myself, when I clawed his arm until he bled during a Just Quit It! type of argument. There have been hurtful incidents on his part an d my part: He used to get frustrated and try to hurt me, and I sometimes tend to assume the worst in him. We haven’t always fought fair, but with nine years of practice, and we’re starting to get the point.

The Point is Love

The biggest thing I remember when we do get into arguments is that we love each other. Through nine years of arguing and making up, we have always loved each other, and we know that in the end, we just want to be heard and understood. That’s why we can forgive and move on with a strengthened relationship. Not only strengthened by withstanding the gale, but also deepened though mutual understanding. He knows a little more of my mind, and vice versa.

One of Hubby’s and my favorite quotes is from Matt Chandler, from his sermon “Sex Pt. 2.”

“There’s always this point in time when we say this is the person I want to fight with for the rest of my life, this the person I want to do life with.”

Dos and Don’ts

Whether or not all’s fair in love and war, there are some basic guidelines that make fair fighting a little easier. And, well, successful. I am taking these from Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Parrott and Parrott, as it was the first book I read that had them laid out so clearly.

1. Don’t Criticize – Criticizing involves attacking someone’s personality rather than his behavior, and it entails blaming and accusing. These are usually “you” statements. You do this, you don’t do that, you could have, you should have…

2. Don’t be Contemptuous – Contempt is the intention to insult or physically abuse your partner. This can show up through name-calling and mockery, especially.

3. Don’t Stonewall – This is usually, but not always, done by men. Stonewalling is a way of withdrawing from the situation, sometimes in an attempt to avoid escalating the situation further. But it also makes the person appear as if he is not listening or no longer cares about the situation, or worse, his partner.

4. Do Choose Carefully – There are a lot of issues that can, and should, be overlooked. Not everything is worth a fight. Ask yourself if it’s worth it!

5. Do Define the Issue – It’s easy to see when it’s someone else, but often when we fight, one person may think the fight is about one issue while the other person sees the issue as something completely different. Ask yourselves and each other what the real source of the disagreement is.

6. Do State Feelings – Two parts to this. One, use “I” statements rather than the “You” statements mentioned above. Two, use the “X, Y, Z” formula. To take an example from the book, “’When we are riding in the car (X), and you change the radio station (Y), I feel hurt that my desires are not considered (Z).’ That is far more constructive to your partner than saying, ‘You never consider my feelings when it comes to music.’ Although the latter may be what first comes to your mind, it’s likely to draw a defensive response that gets you nowhere.”

Intimacy

It’s natural to find conflict in deep, intimate relationships. Dealing with it correctly makes us more intimate, not less. I hope that you can take away from this an understanding of how to begin fighting more fairly. Is there another do or don’t you think should be added to the list?