I grew up hearing that I should love my neighbor as I love myself, and, later, that I couldn’t truly love someone else unless I loved myself. These ideas threw me off kilter for a long time. Especially as I grew into teenage-hood and my depression hit me harder, I could not understand this concept because, frankly, I didn’t feel like I loved myself. In fact, sometimes, or maybe most of the time, I hated myself! But I loved others… didn’t I?

Agape?

Agape is a Greek word used frequently in the New Testament for “love.” It is a sacrificial, unconditional love. It is the love with which the Father loves us and with which we are to love Him in return. It is also the type of love we are to have for each other. And, in my opinion, it is a very misunderstood concept.

In the New Testament, there are three main Greek words which are all translated to our word love. One is a passionate, sexual, romantic love (eros). Another is a brotherly love; it describes the kind of feeling we have in a friendship with someone we really like (phileo). The last is the deepest kind of love, but it is not based on feelings but rather on doing good towards someone (agape).

I’ll say it again: agape is based on actions rather than feelings. This is why I, as a simple English-speaker, misunderstood it. Love usually means a feeling, not an action. And despite growing up with “Luv is a Verb” by DC Talk, I did not really grasp the concept of applying this action-based love to myself and others.

Love Thyself, Love Thy Neighbor

Depression aside (because I know sometimes in that pit it is hard to even take care of oneself), I think it’s fair to say that most people have this “agape love” toward themselves. We do good to ourselves. We give ourselves good things – food, things, shelter. We take care of our bodies and minds. We do what we can to relieve pain and keep out of harm’s way. We generally treat ourselves pretty well! This is what I believe is meant by loving others as we love ourselves.

As Christians, we’re called to treat everyone with this kind of unconditional love. We are to take care of each other, look after each other, love on each other. Not necessarily because we feel affectionate! Even when I think that I hate myself or hate a part of myself, I still tend to treat myself well. And even if we don’t like everyone that we come in contact with, we’re to do the same – treat them well. They are made in God’s image and loved by Him, and we are to do good to them, not harm.

Spousal Love

I questioned myself before I got married. I wasn’t sure whether I would really be capable of loving my husband after being told for so long that I could not love someone else unless I loved myself first. And did I really love myself? Sometimes I sure didn’t feel very pleased with who I was or how I behaved or looked. I think it would be more accurate to say that you can’t act lovingly towards your spouse if you don’t know how to act lovingly toward yourself. If you abuse yourself, you’re likely to abuse your spouse. But understanding unconditional love, or agape, means understanding how to be kind and loving in spite of what you may or may not feel.

And, of course, it’s often easy in marriage to treat your spouse with agape, since there’s usually eros and phileo to motivate you.

I hope I’ve explained my thoughts well enough to be understood!

Oh, how I wish I’d learned a better work ethic at a younger age. I feel like maybe if I had learned earlier it wouldn’t be such a struggle now. Now, I feel like an old dog trying to learn a new trick, and it feels very much like an uphill battle. In fact, it has me determined to make sure I try to teach my kids this lesson from early on…

Life is Work

And Americans are lazy.

Or maybe just people, in general, are lazy?!

At the very least, I’m lazy, but I’m also pretty sure I’m not the only one!

My mom did her best raising me alone, and I’m so grateful for all that she taught me, but I still grew up lazy. I didn’t learn work ethic. I didn’t learn that life itself is work. Rather, I waited for everything to come to me. I never cleaned my room because I was happy to live in my own mess, I didn’t have to put in much effort to excel at school, and I didn’t even bother trying to get in shape though I was overweight from a pretty young age. In other words, I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and played all the time, and never did anything that required effort unless I was literally forced into it.

EVERYTHING is Work

1. Cleaning
   Now I’m grown, and I’m no longer happy with messes, but I am often too lazy to do anything about them because – well, because it’s work! And it’s not just a little work here and there, like when I was little and cleaned my room once every few month (yes, I know, lucky me – you probably had to clean every week). No, it’s not just a now-and-then thing; it’s a daily effort.
2. Exercise
   I never exercised as a kid, despite being unhappy with my body. I never played sports, either. I just played with my friends once in a while and basically did what I wanted to do without worrying about whether I was active or not. And I didn’t know – that is, it never even occurred to me – that such a lifestyle wouldn’t be sufficient for my body. Even as a teenager, when I started to realize that some people may need to exercise to control their weight, I thought it was a last-ditch attempt, only to be really considered if dieting alone couldn’t fix the problem. I really thought I could continue my whole life this way! But God didn’t make our bodies to sit around inside all day on the computer! I believe He made our bodies to work and to play, and as our work becomes less and less active, we have to make an effort to exercise in order to stay healthy. Because it’s GOOD for us. It’s not a punishment, as I once believed. It’s not something you do because you have to in order to control your weight. It’s just a good, healthy habit that happens to require daily effort.
3. Eating
   When I was younger, food was very much an instant gratification kind of thing. My single, working mother rarely had time to prepare a meal from scratch, so we ate a lot of frozen pizza, instant macaroni and cheese, and other such things. Now, I’m ashamed of all the junk I’ve put into my body for over 20 years, but at the same time I realize that in order to eat well, I have to intentionally work at it! And not just once in a while, but every day! I have to think about what I’m eating as well and when and why I’m eating it, and I have to take time out of my day to prepare it.
4. Relationships
   Even my relationships take work! Who would have thought? In grade school, if you’re in my generation, you called your friends when you were bored, and you were allowed to talk, to maybe one of you would visit the other’s house – simple. The only potential problem was having one or the other set of parents say no for some reason. But as a grown-up, it’s not so simple any more. Friends all come with their own problems, and to have a good relationship, you can’t just call them when you’re bored; you have to be there for them when they need you. And sometimes you have to learn how to love people in spite of their flaws, or in spite of distance, or in spite of lack of time to “hang out!”

And the same is true for a relationship with God! As a child, my mom prayed with me before bed and before meals, and I went to Sunday school. As a teenager, I started to understand that it required more than that, and I started to try harder, but I still thought that it would be easy. Only now am I beginning to understand how much daily work has to be put into that relationship to keep it really strong.

Skills, and the maintaining of them, is the same way. Oy with the work already!

Teaching Work Ethic

How will I (eventually) teach my kids about work? How will I get them to understand good work ethic?

• Well, I guess the first step is learning it myself. And I’m trying to – really, I am. For the past few months, I’ve been working on building one good habit each month so that I learn to do the things that are good for me.
• And I think another part of it will be building good habits in them when they’re young. (I always thought that if I’d been made to play a sport when I was a kid, I would have had a much easier time learning a habit of daily exercise.) I can see it now… my kids will probably hate me for making them do things, and I will wish they could see how I’m doing it for their own good… and it’s probably going to be way harder than I anticipate. But hopefully I can help a little by teaching them healthy habits.
• Finally, if I can teach them what my friends and I learned in our study of Ecclesiastes last year. All is vanity. Too much work is no good, but neither is too much play. BALANCE is important. So, have one hand of toil and one hand of rest. I think I can help to teach my kids a healthy work ethic by helping them rest and enjoy play- and rest-time.

Just some thoughts…

Think about what goes into your body. Think about exercise. Think about your relationships. By not allowing play time to be all day, every day, it becomes more precious to me when I do get that time, and my quiet times are more able to fuel me for the work I know I must do for the rest of the time.

And the best part is that work doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Work is rewarding! And when I’m feeling lazy, that’s exactly what I try to remind myself of! lol

(An example of rewarding work: Me with my first-ever homemade bread!)

I’ve got the itch. It’s time for R&R. Past time, in fact, if we go by the month Hubby requested for leave. We still don’t know when it’s actually happening, but we know it’s coming soon!

We’re sort of glad that we’re getting mid-tour leave in the last half of deployment, but the long wait to see each other has been kind of killer. Now, with the time fast approaching, it’s almost all I can think about. I spend so much time thinking, planning, imagining him here. We’ve talked about our expectations for the time (I would recommend this highly to people looking to R&R coming up or even redeployment; don’t just assume you’re on the same page!), things we want to do, people he wants to visit. I’ve made to-do lists to get the house ready and shopping lists to make sure we’re stocked up and have all his favorites, and he has started thinking about foods he wants to eat so he can experience all the good stuff before going back. It’s very exciting!

A couple days ago, I was picking up some R&R-related items at the store, and I must have been looking pretty happy as I thought about his arrival – enough that one lady commented on how great my smile was!

The last time we faced R&R, Hubby and I weren’t married or even dating at the time, and he stayed mostly with his family in between making visits to me and other friends. This time it’s going to be totally different. Neither of us has experienced this before, so we may not really know what to expect.

I’m just trying to keep in mind that I should expect a great time and not worry about imperfections. It won’t be perfect, there will probably be some bumps, but we can still have a wonderful time together. My only real hopes are that we have a relaxing, enjoyable visit that refreshes us and helps us make it through the last few months of deployment! Do you have any other tips for how to mentally (or emotionally, or physically) prepare yourself for R&R?

(R&R or mid-tour leave is a two week break during deployment. The soldier basically gets to go home – or somewhere else – and chill out with no responsibilities for a while before going back. Travel time from the deployment location to home doesn’t count, which is good since it can take anywhere from a day or two to a few weeks, but as soon as he or she arrives at home, they get 14 days until their return flight. This is pretty standard for all year-long-or-longer Army deployments. I don’t really know how to works in other branches or with shorter deployments.)

How important is it to be real?

With yourself? Very important. With your spouse? Again, very important.

With your friends? I…I’m not sure!

What I Learned From my Childhood

• It’s not okay to cry sometimes.
• Crying makes people uncomfortable, and their comfort is more important than my pain.
• It’s okay to cry, but really, you shouldn’t. Grown-ups hold it in and do it privately.
• Sometimes, there’s just no one with whom you can share.
• If my emotions don’t make sense, I might as well keep them to myself rather than experience that lonely, “unheard” feeling.

What I Learned From my Adulthood

• Even the closest of friends pretend to be fine when they’re not.
• Even the closest of friends will fail to stick with you at your worst, if you’re not careful.
• It’s okay to cry, but not really. You shouldn’t. Grown-ups don’t.
• Crying makes people uncomfortable, and their comfort is more important than my pain.
• Expressing emotions makes people uncomfortable.
• It’s important to maintain an image. An appearance of “I can take everything in stride.”

Why are my friendships not as intimate as they could be? I fail to trust people with the worst parts of myself. In fact, my husband is the only one I’ve been able to trust wholly and completely. And, really, why should I take that leap to trust others? I observe people around me, and I don’t really see people being fully open about themselves… So I’m just following the example and showing, mostly, my best side.

Is it wrong that I/we do this? With our best friends, should we be more trusting, more intimate, more willing to admit how bad we screw up sometimes, how much we hurt sometimes, how angry we get, or sad, or lonely? And, if so, how do we make that next step from friends who hang out, chat, and complain together to friends who are just plain real together?

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It’s time for another confession! After my Hubby Honey leaving on the 11th, I found myself struggling more and more with…something. A nagging urge that grew day by day told me that I had a billion things to do, and the more I thought about it, the longer my lists became. And the longer my lists because, the more stressed I grew over getting it all done. I didn’t know what to attribute this problem to until reading an article by Anita Tedaldi on Milspouse.com.

“(Super Military Wife Syndrome) often lies dormant until triggered by a major stressor, namely a husband’s deployment.  The primary symptom is a nagging urge to bite off more than you can chew.”
-Anita Tedaldi

From Personal Experience

I have all the time in the world. I work from home and have no kids. Surely, nothing will hinder me from filling my plate with stuff. Tasks.

• I want to research RV-buying and how to live in an RV, including the cost.
• I want to research vegan diets, knowing that Hubby would probably be interested in trying one out when he gets home if I can figure out how to make it work and how to cook in vegan recipes.
• I want to make curtains for the house!
• I want to draw my best buddy’s portrait as a wedding gift!
• I want to finish my novel!
• I want to have an immaculate house!
• I want to find a new doctor and dentist.
• I want to finish potty training my cat.
• I want to read a billion books and finish a million videogames.
• I want to scrapbook that box of stuff I’ve been saving.
• I want to blog and vlog every day.
• I want to start practicing drawing more so that I can consider selling some artwork.
• I want to visit my friends that are two hours away every weekend, while spending the week visiting with my local friends as much as possible.
• I want to attend 3 different churches.
• I want to go clubbing, go to church, and run away to Florida, all at once.
• I want to go back to school, which means finding funding and the right school.
• I want to pay off all our debts.
• I want to work out every day and lose 60-100 lbs before my hubby comes home.
• I want to babysit for my friend so I can help her out, spend time with kids (which I love), and get a little tiny bit more income for the debts and the schools.
• Oh, and I want to be available 24/7 in case Hubby has free time to contact me.

I want, I want, I want! I need to do so many things! I don’t have enough time!

I’ve worked myself into a corner, and now I face the process of slowly working myself out. My main goal at this point is to remember that I’m not super woman, but that I do indeed have all the time I need. There’s no need to stress. Breathe, drink some soothing tea, and just do a little bit every day while being proud of each thing you accomplish.

If you need some encouragement, I would highly recommend reading both Anita’s original post and the comments that followed. Remember, you aren’t alone. We’re going through the same things!

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Previous Fridays

Five reasons I love my hubby this Friday!

1. You argued and almost convinced me that you might miss me more than I miss you.

2. You tried to make a ribbon for me from your old ACUs.

3. You were so cute, hugging Amanda. I cried for her when you gave her your name velcro from the bus. That was too sweet for words.

4. The booing and cheering on the bus as you got the window stuck and then un-stuck was cute.

5. Fifth and foremost, I loved that first surprise call from Maine. It made me so happy.

I’m glad that God is faithful to me. Without fail, he is always there for me, always loving me, always strengthening me. He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Our culture seems to lack faithfulness. In fact, our culture lacks all of the fruit of the Spirit. These fruit, or qualities, are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23), and there is a very good reason that we don’t find these qualities abounding in society. They aren’t human nature.

Culture

I’m expecting that by the time I have teenaged children, the divorce rate in America will be between 60-75%. The signs are everywhere that marriage is failing. Know what I see all the time in movies and other media? Aside from divorce, what I see is people questioning the very idea of marriage. They ask, “How can I really say I’ll love one person for the rest of my life? How can I promise to stay with one person forever?”

The thing is, people are rebelling against marriage because it’s not natural to them. We all need to have human companionship, but this idea of one man and one woman committing to each other for a lifetime and becoming one flesh is a Biblical thing. Maybe it has been a process. Throughout time, ever since the Fall, creation has been constantly degrading, and maybe things like the fruit of the Spirit will become more and more difficult to grasp the further we fall. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I fear for future generations. Christians need to continue to strive to bear good fruit and set examples for their children and friends!

Our Example and Our Reason

Jesus was both fully man and fully God, thus making him literally a perfect example of how to behave as a human being. For one thing, he was human and someone we can emulate. Secondly, he was God, so he did not fall short the way we will. We aren’t divine; none of us is perfect. But we do have a perfect example, and if we strive for perfection, we may achieve excellence.

Jesus was faithful to his family and friends as well as to God the Father. Even unto death.

“Faithfulness matters because it matters to God. Period. The longer I walk with the Lord and the more I fall in love with Him, the more I am convinced that the core characteristic that He is looking for in us is faith(fulness).”
-Why Faithfulness Matters – BeBroken.com

Living Loyally

As much as loyalty is highlighted as a virtue, it’s not always easy to be loyal. Still, it’s my goal to be known as a loyal person, with God’s help. I hope that my friends know that they can always count on me to stick by their sides and love them. I know my husband believes in me to always love and honor him. I pray that God continues to help me continually draw near to him and glorify him with my life.

But on a personal note, what I’m struggling with lately is believing in others’ loyalty to me. Sometimes it feels like friends are only friends as long as it’s convenient. People only seem to check up on you when you give them cause to worry, and people are only there for you if and only if you’re there for them. It’s a hard thing to deal with, but I must remind myself that faithfulness does not come naturally, even to me. I must remember that where humans fail, God never does. And I must continue striving to be faithful to my friends, not to earn their loyalty in return, but because God expects it of me. He expects me not to live a life that comes naturally, but rather to live a supernatural life, one that I can only live with his help.