“A love-hate relationship is a personal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and enmity.”
– Wikipedia

I have a love-hate relationship with the Army. How the Army feels about me, I can never quite determine. Maybe the simultaneous contradictory feeling is mutual, for all I know.

Hate

Sometimes, I hate the Army. My husband would probably argue that sometimes is actually most of the time because I definitely complain about the Army much more than I brag on it or praise it. When I do hate it, I downright loathe it. I’ll tell you, the emotions can get pretty intense during these times. What has the Army ever done to me, you ask? Plenty.

1. The Army owns my husband. I come second after the Army; I don’t really have first dibs on him. When the Army chooses the flaunt this, I can get pretty catty.

2. The Army mistreats my husband. How can I take care of him when he’s constantly coming home with new wounds and problems? Tell me that, Army!! I try to get him caught up on his rest, and then you go and deprive him of sleep again!

3. The Army is too fickle. Make up your mind! Are they coming home at 0730, noon, or 2100? Does he get weekends off or not?

4. The Army strings us both along, promising things, and when we begin to suspect it may never deliver, they give us another bit of hope to keep us going. Sometimes, I don’t think the Army intends to deliver on its promises at all!

Plus Love

On the other hand, I do love the Army, sometimes. More than you might think! When I love it, I could go to tears thinking of life without it.

1. The Army pays our bills, like any faithful employer should. In fact, the Army’s regularity in this area is most pleasing. It’s never late.

2. The Army gives us security. We can’t get rid of the Army, no matter how bad we might want to at times. It’s always going to be there, and while it may seem fickle, it’s in many ways one of the most constant things in our lives. Even its fickleness is steady and constant, like a security blanket (or teddy, or hippo).

3. The Army takes care of our basic needs. Sure, it gets to decide whether other things are important or not, but the basic needs we have for food, shelter, and medical care, are taken care of, always.

4. The Army actually has a useful purpose. It can be hard to remember, when caught up in day-to-day life as a soldier or a soldier’s wife, but the Army does have a purpose, and serves that purpose well. Our country would probably be in bad shape without it.

Equals Army Wife Life

All of this together makes up a big portion of life as an Army wife. These last two weeks, as my husband was gone yet again for training, I had moments when I cried about how much I hated the Army and moments when I cried about how much I love the Army. Imagining life without it is hard, now. I pray for God to help us through this time in the Army, and to help us through the time when we have to face life without it!

Would you like to add in any reasons you love and/or hate the Army? Or do you, perhaps, have a love-hate relationship with someone (or something) else that you’d like to share?

Whether you’re just getting married to a soldier, or whether you’re already married to a man who is just becoming a soldier, you’ll be a new Army wife. There are a few things, from one new Army wife to another, that I’d like to share. I don’t know it all, by any means, but I’ve probably got a leg up on you. If not, maybe you can share your advice in the comments section.

The Army Owns Him

I heard my husband say this before we were married, and I think I vaguely understood the idea. But not really. What it boils down to is that the Army can do anything they want with their soldiers. The soldiers don’t have to be allowed to sleep or eat for what we might see as unreasonable amounts of time. The soldiers obviously have to be in very good physical shape, and they can be punished for falling short of standards.

In fact, they can be punished for anything their command doesn’t like, even if it’s not in the rules! The Army can jerk the soldiers around every which way and change plans at the last possible minute, and there is not really any system to hold them accountable because, well…

I think the reason is that whoever is in charge is only worried about the greater goals and accomplishments, and they aren’t concerned with who is stepped on to get there. Anyone who is low enough in the chain of command to care usually doesn’t have any power to change things.

Will you be owned by the Army when you marry in? Personally, I don’t think so, and I don’t consider myself to be owned by the Army. But I might as well be. Everything the Army does that affects my husband, affects me as well. They can mess up my plans by messing up his and affect my quality of life by affecting his. It seems unfair because, truly, it is. Life is unfair, Army life even more so.

There is Compensation

Before you start getting down or thinking that it’s all bad, I would remind you that there is compensation for the crap. You may or may not think that it is enough compensation.

• Money – His paycheck comes on the same days of each month, without fail. The amount is plenty for us to live on if we’re smart about our spending. It will not be different from month to month because he is on salary, and no matter how much or how little he works in a given pay-period, his pay will be the same. Even though it can seem upsetting that he doesn’t get paid extra for working late (every day for the past two months…), I see this as a good thing. If he gets sick and cannot work, if we take a vacation, or if there are a number of holidays close together, the outcome is the same, and so is his pay.
• Time Off – Admittedly, it is a hassle sometimes to get leave scheduled. As I mentioned in another post, sometimes leave packets get lost. Sometimes they get denied for silly reasons, too. But overall, it is, I think, easier to get extended periods of time off with the Army than with a civilian job. At least, it is for enlisted soldiers. I have no idea how it works for NCOs and Officers. If a civilian job would hesitate to let you take a week or two of paid vacation because there might be no one else to do your job for that time, the Army doesn’t seem to mind letting soldiers go because, well, there are several more guys in his squad that can usually cover any slack. If they’re not busy or doing training, that is.
• Health Care – My husband and I will always get the healthcare we need. The system is not perfect by any means, and the waits are sometimes long for non-emergency medical situations, but that does not change the fact that whatever we need will be provided at little to no cost. After spending about four years of my adult life without medical insurance, this has meant a lot to me. It gives you peace of mind to know that you can get the medical care that you need.

Commonalities

As you go to FRG meetings and meet your husband’s friends along with their wives, you will find that you have a lot in common with the other military families.

Maybe, in another life, you wouldn’t have become friends with that other Army wife. Maybe your differences would have separated you. But in this life, you’re brought together by what you have in common. And there is a lot to have in common when your day-to-day life is in the hands of the Army. I have found that it doesn’t even matter if you’re shy, or if you have a hard time making friends. That camaraderie is still there. You can even tap into the support network through online communities and blogs, if you’re having trouble meeting people.

Support

Support your soldier! I’m grateful that my husband told me flat-out how much he covets my support as a wife. Not all men can speak their needs in such a way, but it meant a lot to hear that come directly from the horse’s mouth. If your husband doesn’t know how to say it, I’ll say it for him. He needs your support. Remember that the scheduling (and other) issues are not his fault, so make sure that you face the problems with him.

Take his side. Encourage him through the rough patches. Remember that his job is very, very important for our country.

I would suggest that you become familiar with his reasons for joining the military. You can use this knowledge to try to find the best ways to encourage and support him. It will help you understand him, and sometimes you may have to remind him of those reasons.

What You’ve Already Heard

You probably already know that you should memorize your husband’s social security number, as you will need it frequently. You may have figured out how common acronyms are in the military. I’ve only used two in this post. That probably goes to show how new I am! FRG stands for Family Readiness Group, and NCO stands for Non-Commissioned Officer. There are many, many more acronyms that you will, in time, become familiar with.

As this is not a comprehensive list, I’d be very happy to hear what else you think should be included. What other information would you give to a new Army wife?

Yeah, you probably all already know this, but what can I say? It’s on my mind, and I must log it on the webs. You can’t – simply can’t! – do the Army without flexibility. Patience? Yes, it’s a very good thing. It’s very helpful to have in dealings with the Army, but it’s not quite a necessity. Believe me, please, because I’ve been working on building up my patience, with God’s help, for the last couple years, but I definitely haven’t arrived yet. I cannot yet call myself a patient person, however much I try. Thus I conclude: Patience is good, but you can survive without it. Flexibility on the other hand, is a must.

As a civilian with no close relatives in the service (other than a cousin I never knew very well), I never would have guessed how poorly organized the Army can be, at times. No, scratch that. Almost always the Army is annoyingly disorganized. I’ve heard people make fun of the government, but by marrying into the Army my eyes have really been opened to how bad it can get. I thought, of all things “government,” the military would be one thing well-handled. By that line of thinking, I’m pretty worried about the other aspects of government by now.

I’ve had to be flexible, if not patient, quite a bit. My husband, of course, has had to deal with about a hundred more instances of disorganization. Anyway, here are a few that have annoyed me:

• Our wedding. His leave package did not get approved until almost a week before the wedding! We had made all kinds of payments on the wedding, the wedding night hotel, the flight and resort for the honeymoon, and a week before the wedding we still weren’t even positive that he’d be allowed to leave base! They lost his packet three times before it was finally reviewed, and then if I remember correctly he had to make some changes to it at their request, very last minute. I was sure they were going to treat him as if he’d only just submitted it for the first time and deny it because it was too short of notice.
• The return from his second deployment. We military folk all understand that though the government is great about getting our soldiers to the battlefield quickly (wherever that may be), coming home is another issue. Dates and times for homecoming are almost never certain until a few hours before arrival. They can’t seem to get it organized! And when I went to his homecoming, I wasn’t yet married to or even dating him, and I had no idea what I was getting into. My now-in-laws and I bonded during those days of waiting, though.
• Tuesday. We sat in the car together for about three hours waiting to figure out why he had not been called back to work, where his ride was, when his ride would be arriving, and whether or not we could leave and go home for a bite to eat before his ride arrived. Ugh!

Those are just the biggies. Flexibility is an every day thing for us, though. Whether it’s changes in the training schedule or just changes in the daily release time, meetings announced at the last minute, or even surprise off-days, we have to be constantly ready to take what we get and make the best of it. Roll with it.

Are any of you associated with the military – do you have any examples you’d like to share?

Why I married into the army, why you may not want to, and my thoughts on this subject! It’s on my mind today (which is not to say that it’s not on my mind most other days as well) because Hubby just left for a two-week field training exercise. I miss him, but such is the life of an Army wife!

Why?

If you wonder why I married into the army, well, you’re not the only one. Maybe I haven’t been asked flat-out many times, but I can see the unseen question in each woman’s eyes as she says that she could never do it, and she doesn’t know how I do. The answer is simple. I love him! My husband, my best friend. No one else could take his place. And as we prayed about it, we felt God had been bringing us together and had been preparing us through our long friendship for this marriage.

His being in the army was one of the factors in deciding to marry, but it was never really a deterrent to me. I just couldn’t let it stand in my way. If it put his life in danger, it’s not the only job that can do so! God can protect him as easily overseas as he can right here in the states, and will keep him alive and well as long as he sees fit. If it puts him away from me for extended periods of time, at least it’s for the cause of defending the country. At least he’s serving. At least I know he’ll be back, and I get first dibs when he returns.

I remember before we were even engaged, I was visiting him on base and dealing with the frustration of the Army: (how do I sum this up?) They are so disorganized. The Army is forever changing dates and plans for soldiers without prior notice, keeping the soldiers longer than they said the would, getting things mixed up… I remember sitting in the car, waiting for him to get back from a briefing that was supposed to be finished hours prior, thinking, “I could deal with this better if we were married.”

In some ways, I was right. Becoming an Army wife rather than just a friend to a soldier has given me access to inside information and understanding that I otherwise wouldn’t have had. When he comes home late, it’s me he’s coming home to, and I get to spend time with him right away.

On the other hand, being as close as a wife is to her husband makes the worry over his safety that much more severe, and it makes his stress, my stress, in a more real way than ever before. Thankfully, God is helping me through.

Are You Cut Out?

I don’t think you have to be made from a special mold to handle being an Army wife. I’ve seen others, and they’re of all different backgrounds. What draws us together is the fact that we love a man enough to deal with it. Our similar experiences give us something in common, like an instant conversation-starter.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that wondering whether you’re cut out for the life of an Army wife is enough to say that you’re not. But I would say that before you decide, you pray about it, and consider the factors that come with it that you won’t be able to escape.

There’s much more to it than dealing with deployments! Army wives have to handle the life, not just the deployment. It is an every-day thing.

The Good Side

In closing, I just want to point out that there are positive aspects to it all! The most obvious of these are financial stability and job security. My husband gets paid the same amount every month. Period. It’s enough to live on, though not extravagantly. If we’re wise with our money, we won’t ever go hungry, and that’s a very good thing not to have to worry about! As far as his job goes, he would have to do some really, really bad things to lose his job, things that I know my husband wouldn’t do. Until the end of his contract, we don’t have to worry about unemployment.

In addition: We both have access to all of the medical care we need; His physical training keeps him in very good shape; We have access to on-post facilities such as free-to-use gyms, child care, commissary, post-exchange, etc; His education will be paid for, thanks to the G.I. bill.

I have great respect for the soldiers serving our country and for the wives who back them up and deal with this life every day. To those who have been doing it much longer than I, I commend you! You’re so strong and brave! To those who are new, as I am, we can do it! We are strong and brave, too!

Do you have any Army-wifey experiences you’d like to share? What helps you handle it?

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